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They have personality traits that fit with politics, competing interests or other factors. After devoting so much to the job and the daily commute, I had too little energy for others. That work kept me too drained for much social life and distanced me from my closest friends. The job had been a fantastic learning experience for me, but wasn’t suitable for my sensitive nature. If I’d stayed in a high-pressure job as executive director of a family service agency, I probably would have remained single instead of happily married for more than 33 years. They took his advice and restored their relationship, as well!Ī different focus: I, too, had to learn to cut down on stress if I wanted to create a happy marriage. He advised them to reduce the restoration work to every other weekend. Chris, our supervisor, noticed that the couple’s fix-up projects were taking a toll on their relationship. They spent their weekends working to restore its natural beauty.īack then, the three of us were young social workers in San Francisco’s child welfare department. I remembered the sound advice given to another couple who bought a fixer-upper house consisting of two flats in San Francisco’s Mission district. I suggested they put some projects on hold for a while, at least. Putting projects on hold can increase intimacy: Although Jen and Bill both said they found holding a weekly marriage meeting helpful, they often skipped or forgot to have one because they were so busy focusing on home projects or work matters. Doing so could perpetuate their pattern of letting grudges build instead of practicing communication skills to resolve misunderstandings, manage conflicts well and increase emotional and physical intimacy. I encouraged both of them to recognize how taking on new obligations like remodeling projects would add energy-depleting stress. However, it takes plenty of emotional energy to focus on resolving long-standing conflicts and owning one’s part in contributing to them. Over time, the resentments would build, and neither would feel loved or loving enough to initiate sex or welcome an approach.īill and Jen enjoyed taking walks and traveling together. Stress can increase grudge-holding: Often, Jen and Bill became annoyed about something the other was doing (or not doing) but stayed silent and grew resentful. Jen resented Bill for not including her in some of the planning.

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Also, they were spending much of their free time planning major home remodeling projects, which led to frequent arguments. But grudges had built up over time that kept them emotionally and, therefore, physically distant from each other.īoth had energy-consuming jobs that took a lot out of them. Married for 15 years, both wanted more than the platonic relationship they’ve been in for the past 10 years. Jen and Bill wanted to restore the passion they’d felt earlier in their marriage. They faced challenges that might not result in Posey-like sacrifices but were still significant. You might be thinking, “If I had his net worth, reported to be $50 million, I could put my marriage and family first, too.”įocusing on the marriage relationship: Maybe you’re earning a more ordinary income like Jen and Bill, who saw me for couple therapy. What might Posey be teaching us by example? Posey put his values on the line in 2020, when he took a year off, forfeiting a multi-million dollar salary to stay home and keep his wife, Kristen, and their newly adopted, immune-compromised twins safe from Covid. So he’s retiring after a 12-year major league career. Why? Posey cited the desire to spend more time with his family and a recognition of the physical toll of playing catcher.

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What fan of the San Francisco Giants won’t miss Buster Posey? Still at the top of his game, the seven-time all-star who won three World Series with the Giants surprised many of us by announcing his retirement at age 34 in early November.